Alison Ross, LMFT, CEDS explains that a positive body image is not something you earn by changing your body, it’s available to you right here, right now…
If you struggle with disordered eating or body image, you've probably noticed that you live in a landmine of triggers to bad body feelings. The media creates this environment, but they are not the only guilty party. There are people all around you -- even your loved ones, who routinely make triggering comments about what you should eat and how you should look.
Weight and diet talk is all around us. A friend worries aloud about weight, your mother praises you for ordering a salad, your partner cuts out sugar, and your book club devolves into a discussion about diet strategies. All of this can keep you feeling insecure, even obsessive, about your food choices and how you look.
Recovery from disordered eating involves protecting yourself from diet culture discourse by setting boundaries wherever you encounter it. Boundaries come in two forms: internal and external.
An internal boundary is a form of protection that only you can see. It is a self-caring internal dialogue that offers self-soothing and perspective-shifting when triggered. For example, an internal boundary involves checking with yourself to notice how comments from friends and family affect you. Common signs of being triggered into bad body feelings include:
External boundaries involve dealing with a triggering situation by challenging it out loud. When triggered, speak up for humanity. Diet and weight talk hurts all of us. It represents a violation of our personal space and peace of mind. Many of my clients have learned to counter this toxic discourse by saying, "I've been working on being kinder to myself. Could we make this space clear of commentary about weight and eating? Those topics stress me out."
Setting boundaries, internal or external, reduces your stress in a difficult moment. And with practice it helps you develop a better relationship with yourself. It fosters a friendly, inner voice that you can trust to protect and care for you. And when your inner world is a sanctuary, what happens outside will lose its power over you.
So let us know how boundary setting affects your eating patterns and body image. We hope you find it to be a self-caring practice that builds confidence and keeps your health efforts on track. For more information on befriending your body and overcoming disordered eating, check out Alison's book, Non-Dieting: How to Love Your Body and Be Healthy in Diet Culture, available on Amazon.
When you're itchy, it feels good to scratch – it's a distraction from the discomfort. But when you're not itchy, relentless scratching will hurt. People who struggle with disordered eating might feel itchy all the time. There's a persistent irritation deep inside where they believe that their bodies are flawed. So they restrict food, go on diets, and emotionally eat to get momentary relief from the itch. But, of course, that only leaves the irritation to fester.
People in recovery understand that they can't heal by obsessively scratching that itch. Acting out in any part of a yo-yo dieting cycle only leaves a person spinning in the whole miserable circle. Instead, they have to work at the root of the irritation. They have to face and recover from the experiences and conditioning that caused them to dislike their bodies and distrust their appetites in the first place.
In my book, Non-Dieting: How to Love Your Body and Be Healthy in Diet Culture, I write about my life as a dieter. Back then, I felt itchy all the time. My brain became hungry due to my fear that my body was flawed, the stress of weight-watching, and chronic malnutrition. I was stuck in the yo-yo dieting cycle -- alternating between restricting food and losing control over my eating. And while my size and shape made sense for my frame and genetics, I felt like I was overweight. Back then, I was in such pain because I falsely believed what diet culture promotes -- that if I could get control of my appetite and lose weight, I would be at peace.
But then I walked into a yoga studio, where I started a mindfulness meditation practice. Over time, that practice changed my mind and calmed my overactive nervous system (most dieters suffer from a hostile ego and a nervous system stuck in fight-and-flight, by the way -- we treat this condition with neurofeedback brainwave training). I learned how to let go of the punishing body standards and moral judgments I internalized while marinating in diet culture. I also learned how to be kind and gentle with myself, which helped me develop a sense of worth.
Most surprising to me was that when I changed my mind, the hungry sea inside grew calm. The itch was gone, so I no longer felt compelled to act out in my yo-yo dieting cycle. When we feel good inside, we don't need to use food to soothe emotional pain -- we're already ok. And when we learn how to be alive and connected to the amazing body we have (instead of looming over it with criticism), we naturally stop the weight-watching lifestyle that can ruin our physical and mental health.
This freedom is available to you. You can overcome the profound irritation that personal hurts and scars from living in our conflictual food and diet culture cause. If you want to learn more about the non-dieting road to peace, confidence, and better health, check out my book on Amazon, Non-Dieting: How to Love Your Body and Be Healthy in Diet Culture or join an online support group at nondietinghealth.com.
We know that too much sugar is bad for us. But it's challenging to navigate a food culture abundant in this highly-rewarding substance without overusing it. For decades the diet industry and health experts have told us to reduce our sugar intake by willpower. It's insulting we're told to control ourselves while the food industry is free to keep making more sugar and promoting its consumption - but that's a topic for another time. Most of us try to follow this advice with varying degrees of success. But, managing sugar cravings can be a tricky proposition for anyone, especially people who struggle with disordered eating. Many of my clients have found that the more rigidly they seek to control their intake of it, the more readily sugar and other highly-stimulating foods take control of them.
Most of us have gone at least a few rounds with our sugar cravings. And many clients who come to our office are stuck in a miserable tug-of-war with them. We were taught that to be healthier or lose weight; we should put our desire for sugar in a box and close the lid. We should sit willpower on top of that box to keep the unwanted desires safe inside. It's an example of the diet mentality so prevalent in our culture. Sometimes the wish for better health or weight loss fills us with a fresh supply of willpower that makes it easier to keep the lid on that box for a while. We might walk around in Candyland feeling empowered and thinking to ourselves, "I'm done with that old sugar-foe."
But as time goes on, the boxed-up desire becomes like a kitten aptly nicknamed Houdini. It finds a way to break out. Suddenly, we're eating a little dessert because it's the weekend. Or candy, because we've been so "good." We are experiencing the truism that when we can't have it, we only want it more. Soon Houdini becomes a full-on escape artist, and that little kitten grows into a big cat. We keep wagging our fingers at our desire and trying to shove it back into the box. But it keeps escaping as we consume more sweetness.
When clients are exhausted and unwell from trying to box their eating urges, they come to us. We help them see that the restrictive diet mentality and willpower are woefully inadequate tools for navigating our abundant and highly-rewarding food environment. To recover a healthy relationship with food, people need a resilient mind and strong eating regulation skills -- a shift from willpower and the diet mentality into creating the internal conditions necessary for healthy eating in Candyland.
Neurofeedback brainwave training is one of the therapies we offer to support this shift. It is a tool that promotes healing of an over-active nervous system in order to improve eating regulation abilities. Overactivation is common in people who have been taught to hustle for perfection in appearance, their diets, and otherwise. The stressful dieting lifestyle paradoxically contributes to inflated hunger and dependence on highly-stimulating foods for soothing. In other words, stressing about healthy eating creates a hungry drive in the deep brain that can increase unwanted eating urges and dependence on sugar and highly-stimulating food substances! To take back our power over tricky foods, neurofeedback helps to calm that hungry drive in the deep brain.
Along with neurofeedback, we offer support groups and health-focused psychotherapy. These therapies support a shift from reliance on willpower to body-attuned eating and stronger emotion and eating regulation skills. As clients reclaim trust in their ability to regulate their eating, they can navigate Candyland with a new kind of agency over food -- one that involves self-awareness, self-trust, and self-care.
If you're stuck at war with unwanted eating urges, give us a call. Start the journey that ends internal eating battles as you reclaim trust in your natural appetite and eating regulation skills. You'll find that you can be empowered over food, even when navigating our tricky food culture.
-Alison Ross, LMFT
Hi. I’m Alison Ross, founder of Non-Dieting Health in Agoura Hills, California. I’m a licensed psychotherapist and neurofeedback practitioner specializing in eating and body image. My favorite things are my family, my dogs, yoga and working with my clients.
Join our email list to be notified of new blog posts and to receive inspiration on the non-dieting path.