I recently read a story about a dad whose 8-year-old son was starting to feel insecure about his body. His son had a large birthmark on his chest that embarrassed him. He stopped going to the pool with his friends and didn't want to take off his shirt. The father responded to his son's growing insecurities in a beautifully, outrageous way. He went to a tattoo artist where he had a replica of the birthmark tattooed on his chest. It was precisely the right message when his son started to feel insecure about his body -- his father doubled-down on his appreciation for how his son is. You can see the story for yourself here.
Think back to when you started to feel insecure about your body. Was there someone in your life who encouraged you to appreciate your natural self? I was worried about my nose as a child. I repeatedly asked my mother to let me get a nose job. But she always responded by saying, "Nope, you're perfect as you are." Looking back, I appreciate her response. But, weight was a different matter in my childhood home. When I was teased about my size in my preteen years, my mother promptly took me to a diet center. There, I learned how to hustle for my worth, as Brené Brown puts it, by trying to reshape myself into a better form. My first diet was supposed to last ten weeks. I would diet and exercise myself into a perfect form and stay there forever -- at least, that's how the diet counselor made it seem. But my ten-week diet turned into an increasingly extreme obsession for more than a decade. And I'm aware that I'm in good company when I tell this story. In diet culture, too many children are encouraged to start watching their weight when their bodies begin to mature, when others tease them, or when the challenges they face cause them to question their worth.
The people who encourage children to diet are usually trying to help. Raised in diet culture, they also received the indoctrination that says, "if something's wrong, we can fix it by losing weight." They learned that diets work, even though a growing body of research shows that diets make us hungrier, heavier, and sick over time. In my upcoming book, Non-Dieting: How to Love Your Body and Be Healthy in Diet Culture, you can learn all about that. Although it is usually unintentional, those who encourage kids to diet in response to life's challenges are sending the message that the child is flawed and must fix themselves to fit in. When a child internalizes this message, it can set them up for a lifetime of insecurity, disordered eating, health, and body image struggles.
The right message is something more like what this father did for his son. Not that we need to go to such extremes. We need to find ways to double-down on our admiration for the unique composition of body, mind, and soul that each of us is. A mother once told me that she responded to her daughter's body insecurities by throwing off her shirt and dancing around her room. She jiggled her body as she sang, "This is how I am. I'm awesome." Her daughter found it funny, and she joined her.
How have people supported you to love your body? How have you supported yourself through body image struggles? Or, what do you wish someone told you when you started to worry that you weren't enough? Please share with us in the comments below.
Together we can create a more body-positive world. We can support each others' mental and physical health by appreciating beauty in its many different forms.
-Alison Ross, LMFT
For many, it has been a year of emotional challenges, loss, and change. We've had our silver linings. But, our collective hearts are filled with pain, confusion, fear, boredom, impatience, and anger. As we come to the end of the year, we might feel unsettled, as though we're breaking under pressure. Sometimes the burden is so heavy that all we see is darkness. But when we dig deeper, it's clear that something else is there too - you - the person surviving it. Helen Keller said, "Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." What are the strengths that you are finding in yourself this year? Take a moment to acknowledge those sparks of light in you.
- Alison Ross, LMFT
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One of the biggest problems I see with diet culture is that it teaches us to mistrust our appetites. Diets act as though they know better than you what you should eat. But no one knows better than your body what, when, and how much you need. Tune in to your appetite, hunger, and fullness cues when it's time to eat. Your body loves getting your attention. It has so much to tell you.
As we inch toward the conclusion of our 2020 election, you might notice that your mindset has entered Karpman's Drama Triangle. (1) This concept is a social model of human interaction during a conflict. It recognizes that, in stressful situations, our mind will develop an inner narrative about the problem. In it, we will cast those involved, including ourselves, into one of three roles: heroes, villains, and victims.
Take a moment to self-reflect. Who did you cast in each role as you endured 2020 or waited for election results? Politicians? Parties? Friends? Family Members? Neighbors?
When you reflect upon your cast of characters, you probably feel justified. "There is evidence that the label fits," you might say. I'm not here to tell you that you're wrong. I'm merely saying that according to the theory, your label is incomplete.
Think about it this way. Due to your political leanings, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, at least one person in your orbit has recently given you one of those labels. Does the label fit? Is it complete? Probably not. Because, here's the truth: There are no villains; There are no victims; There are no heroes. There are just a whole lot of human beings walking around--each of us with a little villain, a little victim, and a little hero inside.
So when those who differ from you come onto your radar, lose the label. Instead, think of them the way you want them to think of you--as a person, a complex, multi-faceted human being.
United, we stand.
Want to learn more about the drama triangle? Check out this great article at joyofconflict.com.
(1) “Karpman Drama Triangle - Wikipedia.” Wikimedia Foundation, Inc., 10 June 2015, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle.
I suppose 2020 is the year to deliver a drawn-out, nail-biting conclusion to our presidential election. If you feel stressed as you wait for results, you are not alone. There will be time for reflection, learning lessons, rising strong, and dealing with whatever is in front of us. But today, just breathe. Take care of your heart and soul as you move consciously through this uncertainty. Go ahead, do it now.
Take a deep, slow breath.
Inhale all the way to the bottom of your belly.
Then, sigh it out.
You'll be ok. We'll be ok. We're Americans. We know how to rise like the phoenix from the ashes. We will rise.
Hi. I’m Alison Ross, founder of Non-Dieting Health in Agoura Hills, California. I’m a licensed psychotherapist and neurofeedback practitioner specializing in eating and body image. My favorite things are my family, my dogs, yoga and working with my clients.
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